Stop Telling Young People Lies

On the harmful untruth of believing one is unique and special

In a world that increasingly values individuality and self-expression, young people are often told that they are unique and special. While this message is intended to boost self-esteem and encourage originality, its constant reinforcement is anything but helpful. Like most of the well-intentioned ideas rooted in, at best, a surface level understanding of both psychology and human nature that are so popular these days, cultivating a climate that promotes and reinforces these lies does nothing to genuinely foster positive outcomes for individuals or society. Perpetually telling young people they are unique and special, without requiring them to demonstrate this through meaningful action, is harmful at the individual level because it undermines personal development, impairs realistic self-assessment, and impedes the acquisition of resilience. And, given that the development of these abilities is necessary for cultivating functional relationships and working effectively with others, it is also harmful at a social and societal level.

Inflated Self-Expectations and Undermining Resilience

One of the primary risks of constantly telling young people they are unique and special is the creation of inflated self-expectations and entitlement. When individuals believe they are inherently distinct from everyone else in a way that predicates success, failure becomes an unexpected and more painful outcome. When a significant discrepancy between expectations and reality arises, it heightens one’s sense of frustration and disappointment. Constantly falling short because of mistaken self-beliefs leads to feelings of inadequacy, which will only grow overtime when faced with the inevitable challenges and setbacks of life that occur with regularity. Some presently seem to feel that this can be mitigated by further lies, such as the victimhood narrative that views lack of success as the result of external forces not personal shortcomings, but this offers the individual no path to improvement.

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Furthermore, believing that one is unique and special by virtue of simply “being” fails to make the necessary connection between actions and outcomes. While one may be unique and special simply because they were born in the eyes of their family, that is where it ends. It is important for young people to understand that their actions, not simply their existence, is what is important for defining their value in society. This recognition underlies taking ownership to act and also ownership to adjust one’s future behavior based on the consequences of current outcomes.

The messaging of self-uniqueness also works to undermine the development of resilience, our ability to bounce back from failures, setbacks, and hardships. Resilience is crucial for personal development and success. However, the message that one is unique and special can create a mindset that is challenge-avoidant and lead one to give up easily when faced with difficulty. This is because of the mistaken belief that things should come easily to someone "special" or the world should adjust to help one’s uniqueness shine. This is disempowering. Instead, if one finds themselves struggling or feeling underappreciated, the first place to start is with adjusting one’s own behavior. Consequently, this messaging leads to not only avoidance of situation where failure might occur, it further prevents the learning of valuable lessons about perseverance, hard work, and the normalcy of facing obstacles in cultivating a fulfilling life for which such experiences are necessary.

Hindering Social Relationships and Distorting Self-Perception

Building and maintaining social relationships and the ability to work collaboratively are essential skills in both personal and professional realms. Constantly emphasizing an individual's uniqueness creates barriers to forming these crucial connections. It fosters a sense of entitlement and the expectation of special treatment that is unrealistic in most social and work environments. Furthermore, it can lead to difficulties in empathizing with others, as it positions the individual's experiences as fundamentally different or more significant than those of their peers.

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One oriented toward a world that should appreciate them no matter what is also not open to the valuable feedback that relationships and criticism in work and school can provide. It is important to understand not only one’s strengths but also one’s weaknesses, and an overemphasis on being unique and special can distort self-perception. This distortion is harmful because individuals so enmeshed will be overconfident in their abilities, seeing strength where none exist and never putting in the effort required to develop them. Such a mindset also makes one more likely to miss out on the opportunity to hear information from others about their weaknesses than could help them grow. Beyond that, overemphasis on uniqueness keeps one from recognizing that many others have shared similar struggles, increasing the likelihood of feeling alienated and lonely, while also failing to seek the potentially useful advice from those who have gone before. All these distortions can disrupt the development of supportive personal relationships, undermine progress toward goals, hinder personal growth and disrupt the pursuit of opportunities for improvement and learning.

It is Time for Shifting the Narrative

To counter these potential harms, it is necessary to shift the narrative and be more honest with young people about their own gifts and their shortcomings, along with emphasizing their position in larger society. Individually, young people may be told they have the potential for contributions that are unique and special but these will be more likely to manifest when they are oriented toward consistent feedback-seeking and being open to the self-critique that fosters growth, effort, and resilience. Young people should be encouraged to recognize and develop their unique talents but with an emphasis on understanding the importance of hard work, learning from failures, and connecting with others on a meaningful level. It's crucial to balance messages of individual worth with those that promote persistence, empathy, and the lifelong journey of learning that will make one a better individual, partner, co-worker and citizen. These are the things that will lead to fulfillment and meaning in life, fostering self-esteem and well-being along the way.

Young people should also be challenged to consider the ways in which their choices impact others and be held accountable for the consequences of their behavior. This offers benefits at the individual level, by promoting a sense of empowerment and also reinforcing responsibility for one’s actions. It also offers benefits on the social level by promoting an orientation that considers the self in relation to others, helping individuals to become better friends, partners and coworkers. Finally, this benefits everyone at a societal level because it promotes values and behaviors that are necessary to support the innovation, hard work and sacrifice that drives progress.

Conclusion

While the intentions behind telling young people they are unique and special are often positive, this message needs to be delivered with caution and balanced with teachings about effort, resilience, and the value of shared human experiences. By promoting more realistic self-assessment, we can better boost individual success, helping people to seek challenges for self-improvement, to realize the importance of perseverance and empathy, and to better appreciate how to situate oneself within the larger social environment. In so doing, we can prepare young individuals for the realities of life, helping them to become well-rounded, resilient, and truly capable of realizing their potential.